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so close my eyes and hold my heart
cover me and make me something
change this something normal
into something beautiful

-something beautiful, jars of clay

i'm so excited for women's retreat this weekend! i've always said that i don't get along with girls as well as guys. its partly true and partly just a cop-out so i don't have to make the effort to befriend some great women out there. and its because of my sufferings that God's brought me closer to a lot of girls who i can relate with, grow with, and lift up to Him. community is SO essential i'm learning. we're in the middle of a battle for our hearts. Jesus is fighting for YOUR heart too, but you can't just stand there and let the Enemy attack. there's strength in numbers and i can definitely feel it. when people say they've been praying for you...its so comforting and encouraging to know that God's working in those around you for the greatness of his Kingdom to come!

the PASSION of the christ was a really moving film. very violent, and very painful to watch. throughout the movie, i kept wanting to shout "STOP!" to the men who beat Jesus again and again. but..."the Lord was pleased to crush Him, putting Him to grief; if He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, and the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand. As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied." (Isaiah 53:10-11) so if you want to pick an argument with your christian friends, claiming that the movie was antisemetic, you have to know, "its not so much the cause or who caused the crucifiction
its more the purpose God had a plan to redeem mankind. so its not so much the cause, its the purpose of Jesus coming down to die outside the city gate of Jerusalem..." (from Tommy Forester's talk on the sufferings of Jesus) so yeah...i can't say that i was changed or my life was turned around by that movie. but it derfinitely is a wake up call to realize the intensity of of Jesus' passion for the world and mankind. although he asked the Father to save him from the traps they set for him, he took all our sins to the cross. Christ "who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!" (philippians 2:6-8) i wish i could be so obedient to God.

well, i got wild at heart, by john eldredge. when i finish it, expect a long summary and my thoughts and high recommendation for it! i already know its gonna be a great read, so you might as well read it too. then we can talk about it! alright, lates.

Currently Reading Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul By John Eldredge see related

there's no internet in my building. i suppose this is a good thing since now i can be an over-achiever like back in high school and get ahead on my homework. so it sucks, but it's also a blessing. i have time to read. i won't get distracted by talking to people online. but for sure...i'll be back on AIM as soon as possible. guaranteed. if you wanna know my screen name, leave me a comment and i'll get it to you. or you can email me at L4u123n@hotmail.com. i have a new reading assignment: Wild at Heart. i can't wait to start that.

oh, and good news. my ipod mini came in today! yay! that's also a bit...distracting. but its SO pretty!

guess i don't have much to say right now. i'll prob add an *EDIT* thing later on.

one thing i find absolutely amazing is how small this world is. or at least, how intimate it seems. it always blows me away to know that God is working through my friends and complete strangers to fulfill this awesome plan for my life. i love meeting new people, and get so excited finding connections to other people in the most unexpecting way. yeah, there's the connection that my ex's (jy) housemate (wl) used to date the friend (lh) of my close davis friend's (al) crush (tw) who is the roommate of my high school friend (co) ...and this is over 3 different UC's, and before that at 3 different high schools. haha. i think that was sorta the idea when they started friendster, but it doesn't work nearly as well as the concept of it.

no...but the cooler connection is the one where you can say to someone "Jesus is my best friend" and they reply "no kidding! me too!" now that's awesome. i'd say that has been the highlight of my weekend.

oh yeah...and i can't stop listening to the new dirty dancing soundtrack. if anyone wants to go see the movie with me, let me know! i can't wait! i wanna be able to dance latin...

Currently Playing Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights By Various Artists see related

you know that feeling you get when you think back to the past (wherever it is - your heart, your gut, the back of your throat)? sometimes the memories are good, sometimes not so good. that happens to me often. i'm not sure what triggers it, perhaps if you're a psych major, you could help me figure it out. it could be a scent, or certain music, or a particular phrase someone says, or not. anyways, i don't know what causes it, but i think a lot. too much, i've been told.

one example is when i hear a song from the musical, rent, it triggers a series of memories from back in the dorms, hanging out with my friends, singing really loud with the collective...just that whole time period, knowing i was out on my own, free to be who i wanted to be, fun and happiness and security. and also drama, but that's there in every stage of my life. so that type of memory has come up a few times. the weird thing tho, is that when i think back to those times, i feel like i can actually make myself be there. as if its happening to me all over again, and i have no conception of anything in the future (i.e., now). kinda trippy, kinda fun.

so just as a song triggered that memory, i heard "where is the love?" a few days ago and got another one. i started reminiscing about christmas conference. from dec 27th till jan 1st, i went to sd with crusade people to the sd convention center for the annual christmas conference. it was amazing, there were about 1250 students there i think. not too big, but really nice. i was on a spiritual high the whole time. and its just so overwhelming to think of all that happened there. but i've been thinking, as always. here are the highlights, memories, both good and bad:

relationshipwise, i was lost and confused. but after hearing a talk, finally decided to "get into the wheelbarrow", throw my fears aside, and say yes. and it really made me happy. not 24 hours after that, i got a call that a good friend's grandmother passed away. and about 2 hours after that, heard the news that jeremy cooner had gotten into a fatal car accident. i hadn't known him that well, but we had talked. he was an incredibly godly man, and his love for Jesus showed in everything he did. he touched so many people's lives and i remember sitting there, crying, wondering why it had to happen. he was so young and had so much to offer. i don't understand God sometimes. no...quite often. but i know there's a purpose, and jeremy was an inspiration to all. aside from that, we ran into some really nice people in sd and some really uncool people. the people who work at d'lush in the fountain valley mall food court were SO friendly. the guy who threw a fit at some other restaurant was not. i guess because of all this, i gave the trip a theme song: "blessed be your name", esp these lyrics.

Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me,
When the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering,
Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name.

what i also loved about christmas conference was being with people that i cared most about. hanging out with friends. i liked driving down to so-cal, greatening my adoration for clay aiken haha, and listening to music and talking. it was great getting the chance to strengthen relationships with beth and tim and sarah n. i had my first random sharing experience, which went really well. i was so on fire for God. and the new years party, which is where the "where is the love" song came in. it was like club dancing...except much cleaner. all the songs, and the dancing...its just brings back memories that make me smile. and the "hey ya" song with the dance is esp funny. anson and i also made a mini-poster thing, "in memory of jeremy cooner."

but also looking back on everything that happened, i don't like that feeling that i get when i actually put myself in the memory and don't have any idea about what's going on now. things change, and i wish i could snap myself back to reality sometimes. and at the same time, i know i'll never lose those memories, and i'm kinda glad. i try to go through life without any regrets. so coming away from everything...i'm left with the good memories, lessons i learned from them, and friends to cherish forever.